As long as there has been marriage there has been infidelity. Not that its okay – it just is.
Traditionally, signs of cheating have been obvious. The cheater spends more time away from home. They can be difficult to reach. They aren’t always honest about how they spend their time. Perhaps a stray love letter or text gets discovered.
And, while those things can be signs of infidelity, there are signs of a cheating spouse that are harder to identify. Knowing what they are might help you glean the truth about what is happening in your marriage so that you can decide next steps for yourself!
#1 – They look different.
Take a good look at your spouse (something that perhaps you haven’t done for a while because they are, well, your spouse and you don’t notice them as much as you used to?).
Do you see anything different? Are they wearing their hair differently? Are they wearing something that you have never seen before? Are they shaving places that they haven’t groomed for years?
For many people who embark upon affairs, the things that they had neglected for years, like how they dress or how they present themselves, often get renewed attention.
For people who are cheating, they want to look good for their person. They want to feel desirable. They might even want to mold themselves into someone their person might want them to be.
So, does your spouse look even a little bit different than they usually do? If yes, there is a chance that it could be a sign that they might be cheating.
#2- There are strange things in the garbage can.
I know, I know. Why should you go pawing through the garbage to find signs that your spouse is cheating? It seems a little bit extreme, no? Unfortunately, it is not.
People who are in affairs, much like that they groom themselves differently, might buy things that they don’t usually buy. And, often, I don’t know why, they carelessly toss detritus from those items in the trash.
What kind of items? Usually small ones, like sales tags or receipts. Sometimes its bigger – perhaps packaging. Sometimes they even discard the shop bag. In our throw away society, we don’t tend to think about trash consciously so we often just toss it aside without thinking.
So, if you are noticing some unusual items in your trash, pay attention. It could be a sign that your spouse is up to something.
#3 – They seem distracted.
Most of my clients who are having affairs tell me that they are incredibly distracted.
They find that they can’t concentrate on work. That at the family dinner table they don’t engage in conversation. They say that they forget simple things, like taking a pot off the stove. They miss appointments and are late picking up their kids from school.
Does your spouse seem unusually distracted? Do they seem distant and sometimes incommunicative? Do they forget things that they have never forgotten before?
This could be a sign that something is going on and might merit some extra attention.
#4 – Their friends are acting strange.
When someone is having an affair, the desire to keep it a secret and the need to share what is happening are in conflict. Affairs are exciting and messy and many people, in spite of their best interests, need someone to confide in.
While, ideally, a cheater would be seeking professional help to address what they are doing, more often, they seek support from a friend. And friends, unfortunately, aren’t always good at keeping a secret or at keeping a poker face.
So, how are your spouse’s friends behaving? Are any of them distant? Do any of them say strange things, things that you don’t understand? Do you find your spouse spending more time with them than usual?
Our spouse’s friends can often be their worst enemies. Pay attention to their interaction with their friends and their friends’ interactions with you. If anything has changed, it could be a sign that your spouse is cheating.
#5 – They are more emotional than usual.
Affairs bring out emotions, in more ways that one.
Of course there is excitement and passion – obviously. But there is also guilt. And shame. And confusion. All things that, when push comes to shove, can be completely overwhelming.
For a client of mine, she found that she was crying all the time. She loved her affair partner madly but she also was overwhelmed by her feelings of guilt for her spouse. She also was desperately unhappy in her marriage and that made her incredibly sad as well.
As a result, my client found that she was crying all the time. Furthermore, she found that she was impatient and quick to anger. These were emotions that she had never experienced and she was overwhelmed by them.
And her husband? He had no idea what to do with his wife’s emotions. They had always scared him but their new intensity was overwhelming.
So, how is your partner’s emotional regulation? Do you find that they are more emotional than usual? If yes, it could be a sign that they are being unfaithful.
signs of a cheating spouse
#6 – They want more sex.
Yes, I know that this one is counterintuitive – why would someone who is having an affair want more sex.
When someone is having an affair, particularly at the beginning, their hormones are in overdrive. Their need to touch and be touched is intense. They are constantly thinking about sex. They are pulsing with feel good hormones. Sex is a driving force in their lives.
This happens, too, when we are in any new relationship – the attraction is part of what makes that period of time so much fun.
Ironically, the affair partner is not always available to fulfill this sexual need and, therefore, the cheater turns to their spouse to scratch their itch. Horrible, I know.
So, is your spouse more interested in sex then they have been for a while? If yes, pay attention.
#7 – Your gut tells you so.
This is that biggest sign to look out for and the one that we ignore all the time – our gut.
Our gut is the thing that keeps human beings alive. It’s the thing that signals danger so that we can get away from what threatens us. It tells us that what we are seeing isn’t necessarily the truth. It warns us when we are making a choice that isn’t right for us.
In short, our gut is our red flag spotter. And it’s something that we, more often than not, ignore.
I have a client whose husband has started buying new underwear. He is working out. He spends a lot of time walking on the beach, where there is no cell service. He is more impatient with her than usual.
For me, I see all the signs of infidelity. For her, she absolutely refuses to believe that it is possible – her gut tells her so! As a result, she is miserable and living a life that isn’t satisfying her. Ultimately, I am afraid, she will find out the truth and it will be devastating for her.
So there you are – 7 surprising signs that your spouse might be cheating.
Of courses, all of the things that I have written about are not necessarily signs of infidelity. But they are things to look out for and, if these things are found in combination, might be meaningful.
I know that they are small things but it is small things that make the difference in life. And small things that we often miss. Small things that noticing might be life changing.
If you are suspecting that your spouse might be cheating, keep an eye out for the small things. You will be glad that you did!