Broken promises
Sometimes, just as I’m gently drifting into sleep, my mind jolts me awake with a reminder: something I said I’d do — and didn’t.
I sigh. Because now I have to get up, find my diary, and write it down.
I know I won’t sleep otherwise.
I hate letting people down.
And yet… I’ve done it. We all have.
We enthusiastically offer help, promise to follow up, swear we’ll get back to someone — and then? Silence. No call. No text. Just a slow fade into the ether.
That’s the part that stings — these aren’t favours we were pressured into. We chose to offer. And then disappeared.
This post isn’t about finger-pointing. It’s about unpacking what’s really going on — whether you’re the one left waiting, or the one who meant to follow through… but didn’t.
Because those tiny broken promises? They leave more than awkward silences. They leave a message — not just for others, but for yourself.
The aftertaste of not following through
When someone doesn’t do what they said they would, it creates a ripple.
Disappointment. Frustration. A flicker of doubt — about the person who didn’t follow through, about your own judgement, or about whether asking for help is worth the bother.
Even small things — like offering to send a link or check in — can leave a strange emotional aftertaste when they don’t happen.
You might start wondering, “Did I ask too much?”, “Am I being unreasonable?”, or “Do they actually value me — or just like the sound of themselves being helpful?”
There’s a kind of emotional mess left behind — like someone walked out halfway through a conversation and didn’t tell you why.
The spiritual static of a broken promise
Now let’s go a little deeper — beyond the initial awkwardness or mental shrug.
Because there’s a spiritual toll, too. And it’s subtle… until it’s not.
Every time you don’t follow through on your word, a quiet tension arises between who you say you are… and how you’re actually showing up. That tension creates friction. It just doesn’t sit right — like something inside you is a bit off-kilter.
It’s not about punishment. It’s about integrity. You made a promise (spoken or unspoken), and part of your energy got tied up in it. If you don’t complete the loop, that promise hangs around — like unfinished business, taking up emotional and mental space.
You might start to feel a bit out of sync with yourself, as if you’re not quite grounded. And if you ignore those moments long enough, that feeling can grow — creating disconnection, restlessness, or even a subtle kind of self-doubt.
You stop trusting your own word. And if you don’t trust yourself, why would others, or the universe?
“Keeping one’s word is not only a matter of honour; it is also a matter of trustworthiness.” ~ Stephen Covey (author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People)
The mental space clutter of broken promises
There’s also a mental cost to not following through — even on small things. When you make a promise and don’t complete it, it doesn’t just disappear. It takes up space in your mind.
Even if you’ve forgotten it consciously, a part of your mind is keeping tabs on it. You’re carrying around these invisible “open loops” — unclosed mental files that sap your focus, drain your motivation, and clutter your internal landscape.
In NLP and Mental Space Psychology, we literally locate things like tasks, relationships, and unfinished business in space around us. So a forgotten promise doesn’t just vanish — it sits somewhere in your mental landscape, taking up energetic and emotional room.
What waiting does to your mental space
Being on the receiving end of a broken promise messes with your mental space too — often more than you realise. You’re left holding uncertainty: Do I remind them? Do I wait? Do I just do it myself? That internal back-and-forth takes up valuable headspace.
Even if it’s a small thing — someone not sending a link they said they would — your brain keeps it open as a task, just in case. Over time, these small unclosed loops build into a kind of background noise. You can’t fully relax, because something still feels unresolved.
It also adds to emotional clutter. You might start second-guessing your expectations or holding back from asking for help again — just to avoid the awkwardness.
Meta messages: What your actions say without words
A broken promise isn’t just an inconvenience — it’s a communication.
These are what we call meta messages — the unspoken signals people pick up from what you do, not what you say. If you’ve failed to deliver on your promise the meta messages sent might include:
- “You’re not important.”
- “I don’t value your time.”
- “I like the idea of helping more than the reality of it.”
- “You can’t rely on me.”
We may never intend to say those things. And sorry, but intentions don’t count — only what others experience.
People don’t get to hear the thoughtful speech you gave in your head while you forgot to call. They just notice you didn’t show up.
When values go rogue
Here’s the real inner tension: most people genuinely want to be seen as reliable, kind, supportive, generous. These are values we hold dear.
But when your actions don’t match your values? That’s when the tension starts — between what you believe in and what you’re doing.
You might ignore it or push it aside, but your unconscious is quietly taking notes.
“If I say I’m a person of integrity… why do I keep dropping the ball?”
This mismatch chips away at your confidence and self-trust. It can also stir up a subtle sense of guilt or shame — which tends to lead to even more avoidant behaviour. And it damages your credibility.
When broken promises build reputations
One broken promise might be forgivable. Forgettable, even.
But a pattern of over-promising and under-delivering builds a reputation — and not the kind you want.
You become “kind and well-meaning — just not someone you’d trust to water your houseplants while you’re away.
“People with good intentions make promises. People with good character keep them.” ~ Unknown
It’s not that people dislike you. They just stop counting on you. And that quiet change can erode trust far more than you realise. Over time, broken promises can quietly corrode trust — and rebuilding that trust takes more than good intentions. Here’s what science says about how to rebuild it.
It’s not just about you
There’s a broader impact, too — especially in businesses, coaching relationships, volunteer groups or community projects. And when broken promises become a pattern — even unintentional ones — they quietly chip away at the foundations of teamwork and trust.
When someone doesn’t follow through, another person usually picks up the slack. Often without being asked — or acknowledged. Over time, that creates hidden stress, resentment, and a breakdown in goodwill.
It drains energy from everyone involved. And slowly but surely, people stop reaching out, stop collaborating, and start doing things alone.
And then we wonder why everything feels so disconnected.
What to do when you can’t follow through
There is good news: we all mess up sometimes. Life happens. Priorities shift. We forget, we overcommit, we drop the ball.
But how you handle it makes all the difference.
Here’s what you can do instead
If you realise you can’t do what you said you would, try this:
- Say so early. “I know I said I’d help, but I can’t right now.”
- Renegotiate. “Can I offer something else, or suggest someone who might be better placed?”
- Own it. A genuine apology goes further than a perfectly delivered excuse.
- Don’t vanish. Silence is what hurts the most.
People will respect you far more for your honesty than your absence.
Back to integrity
Broken promises might seem small in the moment — but they have a habit of leaving lasting impressions. And they can quietly change how people see you.
This isn’t about guilt-tripping yourself. It’s about awareness. Noticing where your words and actions aren’t quite lining up — and deciding what you want to do about it.
“Your word is your wand.” ~ Florence Scovel Shinn (author, 1920s metaphysical teacher)
Broken promises can have more impact than we expect — not just on others, but on our own sense of integrity.
Because your word connects you to people. And when you follow through — even late — you rebuild trust one small action at a time.
Ready to shift from well-meaning to well-aligned?
We all stuff up sometimes. Life’s messy. Promises get made in the moment and quietly forgotten in the muddle.
But when broken promises become the norm — especially the ones we make to ourselves — they start to chip away at trust, confidence, and connection. That’s where real change begins: not by beating yourself up, but by getting curious.
That’s what I help clients do in SHIFT Coaching — we unravel the unconscious patterns, values clashes, and emotional clutter that make follow-through feel harder than it should. No shame, no drama — just clarity, alignment, and momentum.
And if you’re a solopreneur or small business owner juggling everything — marketing, admin, client work, invoicing, strategy (and where on earth you left your phone) — then you already know how easily good intentions slip through the cracks.
You might be ready for B.O.L.T. — a supportive pathway to help you Build, Own, Lead, and Thrive. On your terms. With your word — to yourself and others — meaning something again.
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Tags: Authenticity, Beliefs and values, Communication skills, Interpersonal skills, Motivation and taking action, Perception, Spirituality, Systems
