Over the past few years, I’ve found myself reflecting more and more on how we make sense of other people’s lives, especially when those lives take a turn we don’t understand.
It’s easy to judge from a distance. We read headlines, hear second-hand stories, and form neat conclusions. But those fragments are rarely the full truth. They’re one version, often the most dramatic, and they leave out the complex, messy, deeply human bits, the bits that don’t fit easily into a headline or a label.
Those I know who work in mental health have described it as a kind of recipe; a mix of circumstances, patterns, life events, and timing that all play a part in the lead-up to someone doing something harmful. It’s rarely just one bad decision. It’s what came before: what was modelled, what was missing, what they had to survive, what wasn’t dealt with, and what happened when those elements came to the boil.
So much of that is pure luck, ie the family you’re born into. Whether anyone had the tools to nurture you, whether your starting line was already miles behind everyone else’s. If you grow up without a solid foundation, you often have to work twice as hard, just to stand still.
This has reshaped how I see people, and how I listen. It’s reminded me how little we really know of someone else’s story and how quickly judgment can become a barrier to empathy.
As I often write about here, I believe change doesn’t have to be loud to be real. When people ask me what coaching is, I always say it’s a powerful set of tools to help support the change you want, or sometimes didn’t even realise you needed. For me, as the coach, it’s sometimes about asking, what else might be going on here?
A Note on Support, Coaching & Therapy
Someone recently asked me what the difference is between therapy and coaching and it’s a question that deserves and needs some clarity.
Therapy in its many different forms, is there to help us unpack and make sense of the deeper wounds. The unresolved parts of our past that may still be shaping us, often without us realising. There are so many different types of psychological professions, speaking to your GP would always be a good starting point to getting help.
Coaching is more focused on the present and future: how we move forward, how we shift, and how we make sustainable changes. But if past experiences are still sitting heavy, therapy should always come first. Otherwise, those unprocessed experiences have a way of surfacing again and again, slowing progress and clouding decisions.
I also think it’s important to acknowledge that coaching in the UK is still unregulated and that’s a potential harm in itself. People are setting up as coaches without any real training, experience, or understanding of boundaries. When you’re navigating change or uncertainty that lack of structure can do more damage than good.
If you’re considering coaching, take your time. Look into the person’s background. Training should be robust and well-rounded; academic foundations, practical workshops, supervised practice, and ideally a minimum number of real coaching hours before they were signed off. You want to know they’ve done the work, not just done the reading.
These things matter, because done well, coaching can be life-changing, but it needs to be held responsibly, ethically, and with care.
I’ll be publishing a short guide soon to help you know what to look for when choosing a coach; questions to ask, red flags to watch for, and how to spot when something doesn’t feel quite right.
Until then, be gentle. With others, yes. But with yourself, especially.
None of us are finished stories.
