“I’m too anxious to do that.” “I can’t do that because I’m so nervous.” “I was so mad I just couldn’t do it.” “Her anxiety took over and she couldn’t go.” “His anxiety kept him from joining.” “She froze because of her fears and I couldn’t do anything then because I felt so badly for her.”
Do any of these sound familiar? In my opinion, in each of these situations, someone is giving too much power away to a feeling. And although I 100% believe in being aware of how we feel and honoring that feeling, I also believe as strongly that we can learn not to become victim to our feelings.
How do we honor a feeling and not give our power away to it?
It begins with awareness. Once you slow down and dial into what you are actually feeling, you’ve taken a huge step. Many people just go to blame and that’s where they stop. So when you recognize what you are feeling, you’ve begun a wonderful journey!!
Once you are aware of how you feel, making the choice to honor that feeling is important. Often we get hung up here with judging the feeling. We want to get rid of it because we are ashamed. Or we get lost in embarrassment for having the feeling. Sometimes we put all our energy into avoiding, denying or stuffing the feeling because we just don’t want to or can’t deal with it. Unconsciously many people project the feeling onto others and then get caught in relational dynamics that spin crazily, leaving both parties wondering, “What the heck just happened?”
To honor a feeling, you simply name it. And let it be. We can make a choice to nurture ourselves. Sit with it and feel it. Cry. Punch a pillow. Take a drive and let out some guttural screams. Hug a friend, parent, stuffed animal, pet or pillow. Walk. Run. Bike. Exercise. As long as each of those is done in the energy of being with the emotion and not simply getting rid of it, they can be really honoring ways of handling a feeling.
This leads to making a choice about the feeling. If it is making you feel something you don’t want to, recognize the thought that is attached to the feeling. It might be in response to something happening, words said to you or someone you love, remembering something from your past, fearing something in the future. But there is a thought that is related to the feeling. Many kids tell me they don’t have a thought. They just feel something. So I have them try to name what they are thinking about that feeling. We don’t need to debate what came first, the thought or the feeling. The chicken or the egg conversation leads to a circle that gets us nowhere! 🙂Thoughts and feelings are deeply connected.
When we stay empowered to choose a different thought, we choose to create our reality. Instead of giving our power away to a feeling we are having, we recognize we can do something.
Now I know many people would just like to stick to the notion that they have a feeling and can’t do anything about it. Or that there are some quick fixes or solutions outside of themselves. Our world is full of ideas that back that up: If you have anxiety, take a medication. If you don’t want to get sick, wear a mask. If you feel depressed, try this treatment facility. If you want to not get a virus, get this vaccine. If you want to fit in, wear these clothes. If you want to go to college, get these grades. If you want to feel calm, try vaping or pot.
Now I know I am tapping into some HOT BUTTON TOPICS in our world today. But honestly, I see a link here between each of these messages (and the ZILLION others we are smothered by if we turn the tv on, hang out on social media or other sources, have conversations with people). Regardless of which scenario above you look at, the answer or solution depends on something outside yourself. That if you do “it”, you will be safe, happy, healthy, calm, successful, one of the group.
I like to stay empowered and choose for myself. Give my inner wisdom and experiences my power.
If I have a headache, I don’t take a Tylenol. I reflect on my stress, what I’ve eaten or drank recently, where I feel tightness in my body. Then I do something about it. (Coincidentally I rarely get headaches anymore either!). Last year when news of the virus came out, I chose to up my self care. I chose to do only the things I needed to do and avoided being around a lot of people. I researched, found and invested in better vitamin C and other supplements. When I felt anxious about the threat of illness and then all the controversy and anger around wearing a mask, social distancing, closing businesses, being an essential or not, I chose to leave social media (a process of weaning myself from it – I didn’t 100% cold turkey leave) in order to not get swept up in the chaos. I got rid of tv, so I didn’t hear messages that triggered me into feelings and swirling thoughts around what I believe or don’t believe. I choose friends and who I hang with wisely. I spend my energy where I have control and let go of (with love and prayers) circumstances I can’t change.
We have a choice to stay empowered.
You have to be willing to take action though. And many times, for many people, it is easier to sit back and point fingers. Find quick fixes. Or blame. And when we blame it on a feeling, then many think a lack of action is “normal” and justified. If I am anxious, I don’t do it. If I am angry, I yell and then shut down. If I am sad, I stay home and refuse to talk to anyone.
I want kids to take their happiness —and their futures — in their own hands!!!! Regardless of what anyone else does, thinks, says, I want kids to recognize they can be safe, healthy, happy and THRIVE!
By the choices they make!!!
Staying empowered and not being victim to the fearful thoughts our ego creates to “keep us safe” is definitely one of the most challenging journeys we each can choose to take!
There are repercussions either way. I’ve tried both paths. Personally, I think the choice to stay empowered leads to a heck of a lot more INNER happiness, joy, peace and a life that feels FULL!